E.O. Schaub

Fall is here again, and with it brings the season for coughs, colds, seasonal flu, H1N1 (aka swine flu), and of course the newly discovered Rancorous Mongolian Dripping Sore Disease (aka poultry asthma). As you may have noticed from the large number of multi-colored fliers, handouts and distress flags coming home in your child’s backpack, we at the school are monitoring the situation on an ongoing basis, and have a few tips to offer regarding keeping your family healthy:

• 1.Wash hands regularly. This includes before and after mealtime, as well as during, not to exceed fourteen times before the salad course. Be sure to use warm running water, soap, a wire scrub brush and lighter fluid.
• 2.Use pro-bacterial soap. Although it is increasingly difficult to find soap that is not “antibacterial,” new studies have shown that it is preferable, and far more enjoyable, to hunt those nasty bacteria down one by one and assassinate them with little tiny microscopic machetes. (In a pinch, microscopic chainsaws will also work. Think Al Pacino in “Scarface”)
• 3.Wash for a very, very long time. Then wash longer. In order to wash the appropriate amount of time, try singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,” “The Battle Hymn of the Republic,” or the soprano aria from “La Boheme.” After all, there’s no reason a good pandemic can’t be educational.
• 4.Practice “safe coughing.” Teach your children that, rather than sneezing or coughing into their hands or the air, they should consider locking themselves in the basement.
• 5.Encourage your child not to share, or even touch, personal items such as half-eaten food, retainers, used kleenex or gum. Also avoid touching: doorknobs, desks, notebook paper, pencils, backpacks, library books or other students. Actually, if everyone could just start coming to school wrapped in saran wrap, this would help quite a lot. Make sure your child knows he/she should never, ever, under any circumstances use the school water fountain, bathroom, or cafeteria. If they must eat boogers, please make sure they are your child’s own.

The state is recommending vaccinations for all school-age children, unless your child has egg allergies, asthma, eczema, hammer toe, or the annoying tendency to turn his/her eyelids inside out. Receiving the vaccine is highly, highly recommended, but not mandatory. Not exactly. If you would like your child to be vaccinated, simply sign the enclosed consent form and return to the school by Friday. If you prefer not to have your child vaccinated, please sign the enclosed consent form anyway, and return to the school by Friday.

If you find that someone in your family is ill, there is no need to overreact: it is quite certain all your relatives and friends will do this for you. Please be sure to keep children home until they no longer show any outward signs of being children. After that, we trust you will do the decent thing and move to another country.